Ghosts in the Relationship: How Past Baggage Shows Up in Your Relationship (Part 2)
From Connection Quest Episode 7 with Miku Lane and Dr. Bora Saek
Welcome back, beautiful souls! If you caught Part 1 of our deep dive into emotional baggage, you know we're not here to sugarcoat anything. We're peeling back those layers together, and today? We're going even deeper.
When Your Past Writes Checks Your Present Can't Cash
You know that moment when your partner does something completely innocent—maybe they're a little late texting back, or they mention an ex in passing—and suddenly you're spiraling? Your heart's racing, your mind's writing entire horror stories, and you're snapping at them over what should be... nothing?
Yeah. That's not really about them. That's your past, knocking on the door of your present relationship like an uninvited guest who refuses to leave.
In my latest episode with the incredible Bora Saek, we talked about how unresolved issues from our past don't just fade away because we want them to. They show up. They demand attention. And if we're not careful, they can absolutely sabotage the beautiful thing we're trying to build.
The Wound That Never Healed
Dr. Bora shared something that hit me right in the chest: "It's like a wound that never healed properly, and even the slightest touch can cause pain."
Think about it. If you experienced betrayal in a past relationship, your brain learned to be hypervigilant. It learned that trust equals danger. So now, even when you're with someone trustworthy, that old wound is still tender. One innocent interaction can feel like someone's pressing directly on that bruise.
I shared this analogy in the episode because it's so visceral, so real. And here's the thing—it's not your fault that you have these wounds. But it is your responsibility to heal them.
The Subtle Ways Baggage Shows Up
Past trauma isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's not about dramatic trust issues or jealousy. Sometimes it's quieter, sneakier:
Emotional shutdown: Maybe you grew up in a home where feelings weren't discussed, so now you clam up when your partner tries to have a vulnerable conversation
Repeating patterns: Dating the same type of person over and over, expecting different results (spoiler: you won't get them)
Projection: Attributing your own unprocessed emotions to your partner, making them the villain in a story they didn't even know they were in
Dr. Bora told me about a client who struggled to express affection because her childhood home was emotionally cold. Her partners kept feeling disconnected, and she couldn't understand why—until she traced it back to those early years when showing emotion felt unsafe.
Reading this Ebook will help you to work through your own patterns, and honestly? Game-changer. Sometimes we need structure to help us see what we can't see on our own.
Why We Keep Choosing the Wrong People
Here's a question Dr. Bora posed that made me stop in my tracks: "Have you ever noticed someone who keeps entering relationships with the same type of partner, only to encounter the same issues each time?"
Um, yes. BEEN THERE. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Wore it out.
But why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
Because familiarity is comfortable, even when it's toxic.
Our brains are literally trying to recreate familiar conditions, thinking they can solve the unresolved issue from the past. It's like we're stuck in a loop, replaying the same scene, hoping for a different ending. Except we're just reopening old wounds over and over again.
The cycle is exhausting. But here's the hopeful part: you can break it.
Breaking Free: The Path to Healing
So how do we actually do this work? How do we stop letting our past dictate our present?
1. Awareness is Everything
The first step is recognizing the patterns as they happen. When you feel yourself overreacting, pause. Ask yourself: "Is this about what's happening right now, or is this about something else?"
This takes practice. A LOT of practice. But awareness is where all transformation begins.
2. Differentiate Then from Now
Dr. Bora emphasized this beautifully: "That was then, and this is now. You're in a different place with different opportunities."
Your past does not have to be your present. Your current partner is not your ex. This moment is not that moment. Learning to separate the two is powerful, necessary work.
If you're struggling with your relationship, there's zero shame in getting help. This Ebook will be instrumental in helping you sort through your own baggage.
3. Your Partner is Your Mirror
This one's uncomfortable but true: our partners often reflect back parts of ourselves we'd rather not see. The things that trigger us most? Usually pointing to something unhealed within us.
When you snap at your partner over something minor, it's often those unhealed layers of your past talking. It's a defense mechanism—not a helpful one, but a defense mechanism nonetheless.
The Power of Presence: Tools That Actually Work
Dr. Bora shared one of my favorite exercises from the episode: circular questioning.
Here's how it works:
Partner A asks an open-ended question
Partner B answers without interruption
Partner A reflects back what they heard
Switch roles
Sounds simple, right? But it's HARD. It forces you to actually listen instead of mentally preparing your response while your partner is talking. And that's where the magic happens—in the pause, in the presence, in actually hearing each other.
Want more books like this? This book has dozens of practical tools you can implement today.
Couples Therapy vs. Individual Work: What's the Move?
I asked Dr. Bora whether couples therapy is necessary or if individual work is enough. Her answer? Both are valuable, but they serve different purposes.
Individual therapy helps you do the deep excavation work—uncovering your patterns, understanding your triggers, healing your wounds. But couples therapy creates a supported space where both partners can navigate these complex emotions together, with a professional guide.
Think of it like this: individual work is you learning to speak a new language (the language of your emotions and history). Couples therapy is you and your partner learning to speak that language together, creating a shared understanding.
The Ultimate Truth: Relationships as Sanctuaries
One of the most beautiful things Dr. Bora said in our conversation was this: "Relationships can transform into sanctuaries for growth rather than arenas for conflict."
But here's the catch—it requires mutual effort. Both partners need to be aware, both need to be committed to growth, both need to be willing to look in the mirror and do the hard work.
Your relationship can be a battlefield, or it can be a sanctuary. The choice, ultimately, is yours.
Moving Forward with Hope
Look, I'm not going to lie to you—this work is exhausting. Peeling back layers upon layers of old pain, examining patterns you didn't even know you had, learning to differentiate past from present... it's A LOT.
But it's also transformative. It's liberating. It's the difference between being controlled by your past and being empowered by your present.
Your past baggage is formidable, yes. But it's not insurmountable. With self-awareness, understanding, and intentional action, you can lay those ghosts to rest. You can build the healthy, connected relationship you deserve.
Your Next Steps
Ready to start this work? Here are some practical actions you can take today:
Journal about your patterns: Write about your past relationships. Do you see any themes? Any repetitive dynamics?
Have an honest conversation with your partner: Share one thing from your past that might be affecting your present relationship
Consider professional support: Whether individual therapy, couples counseling, or even a trusted mentor—get the support you need
Practice presence: Try the circular questioning exercise this week
Summary
"Rekindling Romance offers practical advice to enhance intimacy, communication, and connection, providing essential tools for revitalizing relationships."
Keep the Conversation Going
This work doesn't happen in isolation, and you don't have to do it alone. I'd love to hear from you:
What patterns have you noticed in your relationships?
What's one piece of past baggage you're working to release?
Have you tried any exercises to help you and your partner connect more deeply?
Drop a comment below or find me on social media. Let's continue this Connection Quest together.
And if you haven't listened to the full podcast episode yet, go check it out! Dr. Bora and I go even deeper into these topics, and honestly, her insights are pure gold.
Remember: the most profound romance blossoms from unwavering mental health and self-connection. Do the work. You're worth it. Your relationships are worth it.
Until next time, beautiful souls—keep connecting, keep growing, keep loving yourself first.
✨ Miku
P.S. If this post resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Sometimes we all need a reminder that our past doesn't have to write our future.
